The list of things that used to be so easy but are now insurmountable problems pile up when you ‘hit an age.’

My current nemesis is that of the diet. Weighing in a few years ago at a trim 12.5 stone, many asked me if I had a wasting disease which I didn’t mind as it's preferable to the Fatty boom-boom Arbuckle jibes I currently endure.

I’m not sure from where it came. It kind of crept up like a chubby ninja and shot me in the midriff and, despite cycling most days and subscribing to whatever diet that is en-vogue this month, I just cannot shift the flab.

I have tried so many diets I have forgotten the names of them except the most recent: I have just come off three months of the keto where I wasted £50 quid on Huel breakfast shakes (nasty and best avoided, although the free t-shirt was a result), and only ate nuts and cheese in the day and meat and vegetables at night (with no potatoes or rice).

Brett Ellis says his current nemesis is dietingBrett Ellis says his current nemesis is dieting Did I reach ketosis? I haven’t a clue, although it was only toward the end I realised that a couple of bottles of Bud of an evening probably did little to help toward that aim.

I even then, at a friend’s bequest, shifted onto IPA, but again no weight was shed so keto went to the been there, done it, failed it category - I have now moved onto Slimming World.

Being of a frugal disposition, I piggybacked onto a friend’s expertise who is a signed-up member. Having been given a crash course on ‘syns’ and ‘free foods’ I have now changed my diet entirely and three days in have lost a couple of pounds.

That said, no doubt by the time this goes to press I'll be the size of Rik Waller and Sam Smith’s lovechild, but I’m nothing if not game.

The biggest issue however is not only self-perception and body image, but that of clothing.

I had a tear in my eye in the attic the other day going through bags of ‘thin clothes’ which now I can barely get over my head before realising that my fat clothes are now too tight, and I must wear some super fat clothing to get me through.

On a recent trip to Bulgaria, despite me being XL here, I failed to fit into XXXL with the cocky teenage upstart advising me to ‘lay off the beer Mister.’

And so, the artist formerly known as ‘Rake’ moves on to the next fanciful blend of eating which has made some nondescript Australian a millionaire, but maybe, just maybe, I’ll learn to live with it or move to a country where obesity is lauded and not derided despite the vast majority of us now being on the wrong side of the overweight fence.

  • Brett Ellis is a teacher.